Christmas tragedy-woman's brain explodes over Android phone!

Technology.  I'm determined to keep up.  Don't want to be one of those middle-aged losers who throw up their hands in confusion over the rapid advances in our world.  Keurig...check, laptop....check, LED hi-def TV....check, blu-ray player....check, android phone....check and mate.

I never had an iphone.  Until recently I just had a 'regular' cell phone-it sent and received calls.  That was pretty much it.  Before Christmas, the Big Man bought me an HTC Hero 3G Android phone.  Gotta love the Big Man.

From what I hear, this phone is the major competition for the iphone.  Don't misunderstand, I LOVE this phone, but the learning curve for this techno-impaired nerd has been pretty steep.  Can anyone explain to me what a 3G or an Android is?  Not understanding these terms hasn't kept me from having big time fun on this little enticing phone.  Here's what I can do on my new phone:

1.  Confidently drive anywhere.  It talks and tells me exactly where to turn in a calm, soothing voice.  It doesn't scream or curse when I take a wrong turn, the voice stays steady as a rock.
2.  Engage in social networking.  I stay in touch with all my Facebookians and fellow Tweeters.  It keeps me abreast of what everyone had for breakfast.
3.  Download fun apps.  With one touch of the 'market' icon I can have a way to keep up with grocery lists, Borat can speak to me about Kazakhstan, I can fool folks with the fart app, and when I'm feeling depressed I can even press an applause button to lift my spirits.
4.  Take a decent photo and send it to you in a split second.
5.  Keep track of NFL games and even watch them on the screen!
6.  Play music on my Pandora radio app, watch Youtube and keep up with my checkbook.

My phone has also taught me I tend to mistakenly 'butt dial' random folks and I hear 'hello, HEL-LO!' coming from my pocket frequently.  I learned my fingers are a little clumsy when using the touch pad (practice makes perfect!).  I learned there is not an app that will have a cup of cappuccino from my Keurig waiting for me when I get home.  I discovered strong bifocals or thick reading glasses are a must when interacting with the phone.  I finally understand why so many folks leave their phone out during meetings and lovingly and constantly gaze at it.  I used to curse them, 'why can't you put your idiotic phone up for one second?...hello (hands waving)...you are annoying me!'

But now you see, something this wonderful must be in my hands at all times.  The conversion is complete.  Who the hell cares about G's...2,3 or 4? Or the funny androids?  Grab your bifocals, exercise your fingers and try one.