addictive as crack

Our argument started over these innocent objects.

I'm emceeing a popular fund-raiser for a local charity.  The charity is called Opportunity School.  Click the link....it's an incredible school and it has helped many children in our community.  I had the emcee gig last year, as well.....so it was nice to be invited back.
This event includes a lovely dinner, cocktails and then a show consisting of funny, or novelty lip-synching acts performed by local 'celebrities'.  It's called LIPS.  It's been a highly successful event and this is the 18th year!  As emcee, I try to keep the energy and the audience 'up' between acts.  I have to talk or do SOMETHING for around 1 to 1 1/2 minutes.  Sounds easy...but it's daunting.
This is when the wiener dog inquisition ensued.

What's with the severed hand?

I'm doing a spoof of the Beatle's hit...I Wanna Hold Your Hand.  I might dance a little, too.

The pick and the waxed paper??

Playin' audio kazoo trivia with the audience.  I'm humming classic TV themes and they're supposed to guess the show.

The coonskin cap is passe.  Who cares about Davy Crockett?

Actually, it was Daniel Boone.....but I may not do it....

The blond wig....you're doing Gaga aren't you?  Tell me you're NOT doing Gaga!....you're coming out as Lady Gaga with a steak on your head.  That's a lame excuse for her and her awesome AND fashionable meat dress!

Doxy....you might be a little biased....

How so?!

Meat....you adore meat!  Whether it's laying over Gaga's backside or resting between two buns....you're always pro-meat!

If you're gonna do Gaga, at least let me show you how to pose like her in Bad Romance.

Ummmmm....O.K., I'll take that under advisement.

You'll do ANYTHING for a laugh, you know.  Humiliate your family....your friends....your blameless pets!!  You have a problem-admit it.  You're......you're........ a laugh-whore.  You're ADDICTED to trying to make people laugh.  I think you're a pun prostitute!

I like to think of myself as an innocent, carnard call-girl.

It's not funny....it's a serious addiction.  You're a tall-tale tart, a microphone maniac, a ha-ha hussy!!

Can we STOP already with the alliteration?  I have to do my best to entertain the crowd.  If it humilites you, I'm sorry.  Doxy.....Roxy-Doxy?Are you still listening??  What in the hell are you doing?

This is how you should play Poker Face.......